My Words: Ready to go make history

The most difficult thing I’ve ever done in my life took place on Christmas Eve in 2020. I asked my parents, Hector and Frances, if I could have a talk with them.

“I have something I need to tell you guys,” I said.

I’m pretty sure they knew what was coming. Mom immediately started crying. Dad had a concerned look on his face as he waited to hear what I had to say. When I finally began to speak, I had a hard time looking them in the eye.

I told them I was retiring from wrestling.

This is a sport I’ve loved for as long as I could remember. People joked that I was born wearing a wrestling singlet. I have memories of sitting on dad’s lap as a toddler while he coached club wrestlers in and around our home in Carol Stream, Illinois. I started wrestling when I was 4. When I was 15, my parents got tickets to the NCAA wrestling championships for me as a birthday gift. That’s where the dream began.

For the longest time, my grand plan was to win a state title in high school, a national championship in college and a gold medal at the Olympics. My parents spent a lot of time and money sending me to competitions in Poland, Serbia and around the U.S. trying to help me achieve those goals.

That’s why I was scared to tell them I was retiring. I felt like I was being a disappointment to my family. I thought I was letting them down.

But I just couldn’t escape the fact that my mind and body weren’t right. I’d had multiple concussions – each worse than the one before, all directly linked to dehydration – and I wasn’t managing my 133-pound weight the right way. I wasn’t listening to my body the way I should have. My body wanted to grow and I just wouldn’t let it.

Frankly, I was kind of worn out from wrestling. 

Thankfully, my parents understood. So did my coaches and teammates at Iowa State, where I began my college career in 2017, wrestled for two seasons and ultimately got a degree in business marketing.

But as my body healed, I started thinking about a comeback. I’m not one to change my mind easily – I’m very stubborn, a trait I got from my dad – but the further I got away from that painful Christmas Eve discussion with my parents the more I thought about wrestling again.

Looking back, I wasn’t really at peace with my retirement. It came off that way, but that’s not how I really felt. I knew I had so much more fight left in me. I believed I was still capable of great things.

That decision I made in December of 2020 put me on a path to Wisconsin, where my dreams are very much alive and where two painful family memories still motivate me.

When I told my parents that I was coming back and would be putting my name in the NCAA transfer portal, they said they would support me no matter what. In fact, my dad immediately began calling around to see if any schools might be interested.

Within 20 minutes I heard from UW associate head coach Jon Reader. Then I spoke with Wisconsin head coach Chris Bono, whose first question was about my state of mind.

“How committed are you to coming back?” he said.

“One hundred percent,” I replied.

Coach Bono asked about my overall health. I told him I got clearance from my doctors to wrestle again and that I intended to take their advice and train smarter.

I signed with Wisconsin because it’s close to home and the high energy that Bono and Reader bring. The facilities are first class and the school is a great place to get a master’s in educational leadership and policy analysis. I had people call me after I made my decision saying, “You’re going to get a master’s degree from Wisconsin. That’s a hell of an accomplishment.”

I wanted a change in scenery, but I have to say I loved it at Iowa State. The hardest thing in all of this was leaving some of my best friends behind. When I told the coaches there that I was coming back to wrestle again, they were like, “Yeah, we support you. You just won’t be able to wrestle here because we can’t take on that responsibility.” I told them I understood.

I’ll never forget how the people at Iowa State helped me through one of the most difficult periods of my life. I was in COVID quarantine in Ames when I got word that my dad was in the hospital. He’d been unable to get out of bed for two days, but even though his lips were blue and he could hardly breathe, he was adamant that he wouldn’t go to the hospital. When mom finally got him admitted, doctors told her that he had the coronavirus and that if she hadn’t brought him in when she did, he would have died in his sleep.

Dad spent 60 days in the hospital and things were very scary at the start. He couldn’t have visitors – the first time any of us saw him in the flesh is when mom picked him up after he was discharged – so we would FaceTime him every day from a parking lot outside his room. At one point he told us, “I’m not going to make it.” I know how strong he is and how tough he is, so hearing that from him made my mom, my sisters Myrissa, Alexis and Gabriella and me very emotional. I thought I was going to lose the man that meant the most to me in this life.

At one point I decided that if the worst happened, I was going to quit wrestling, leave school and come home to help out my mom and sisters.

Turns out dad was one of the biggest COVID success stories from the hospital. He was supposed to die, but he didn’t. 

The idea of losing my father brought back memories of another tragedy my family had to endure.

I was 11 when Santiago was born. I was ecstatic to have a little brother I could mentor and be someone he looked up to. I’ve had brothers as teammates, but to actually have a flesh-and-blood sibling was something special. It was the best thing ever.

Santiago was born healthy, but he died of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome when he was 14 weeks old.

I vividly remember going to a Fourth of July party and staying that night at a friend’s house right down the street. I woke up the next morning to the news that Santiago was in the hospital. He died later that day.

His memory continues to inspire me. I have two tattoos dedicated to his memory. On my back is one with a cross with wings and the date of his birth. On my right wrist is one with the names of my siblings. Santiago is first so he can look down on all of us.

No matter what the circumstances, I believe he’s always with me. I’m trying to live for him. He’s seen the hard things I’ve gone through, what our family’s gone through. I just want him to be proud of me.

When I think of things getting hard, I think of what my dad did with COVID. When I think about not wanting to be at practice, I think of Santiago because he’d love to be here right now.

I do everything with a smile on my face because I get to be here. Those tough times in my life have made me into the man and wrestler that I am today.

My parents have had a lot to do with that. They’re special people.

Dad is a tough, stubborn, hard-working, loving, caring man. He will do whatever is in our family’s best interest. Our needs come before his every single day of the week. Whatever he’s doing he’s doing for us.

Dad, who wrestled in high school and placed in the Illinois state meet, was hard on me when I first started in the sport. I was young and I didn’t know why. Looking back on it, if he wasn’t hard on me I wouldn’t be in the position I am today. I used to curse him. Now I thank him. I always tell him “We did it” because I wouldn’t be here without him.

One of my favorite musicians is Zach Bryan. He has a song entitled “Godspeed” and one of the lines is “Only God and my mama know what I need.” I have that lyric as part of a tattoo dedicated to mom. I get my toughness from her for sure. She’s loving and caring. She’s also going to give it to me straight. She’ll tell me things I don’t want to hear sometimes, but that’s why I love her so much.

After finishing fourth at 149 pounds last year, winning an NCAA title for the Badgers is my No. 1 focus. I believed I was going to win it last March. I knew what I had to do, but I made a couple technical mistakes, things I could have executed better, but didn’t and paid the price.

This time around, closing the gap means being locked in for seven minutes at a time and believing in myself 100 percent. I’ve struggled with a little bit of self-doubt this year. I don’t know why. I put a lot of pressure on myself to go out and win. I feel a little bit of pressure from outside forces to go do this thing.

This self-doubt kicked in at the Big Ten meet earlier this month. I’ve been dealing with injuries all season long, including one that occurred Jan. 27 during our dual meet with Northwestern. Am I good enough to win when I’m not at 100 percent? That was the nagging question at the conference meet where I went 0-2 and had to wait for an at-large exemption to get into the NCAA tournament. It was frustrating because training was going well and I felt great. I thought I was ready.   

I know I have the skills and the technique and the heart. With all the adversity I’ve gone through in my life, winning an NCAA title is the easiest thing I’m going to do. It’s going to be a challenge, but I’m ready for it, man. I’m ready to go make history.

I bring so much to the table when it comes to wrestling. I can be technical and really stingy and just go get the job done. I also have a lot of high-flying stuff I can do, so I think it’s hard for guys to gameplan for me.

I’ve dreamed of being on top of the NCAA tournament podium and having my name announced as the national champion since I was 7 or 8 years old. It’s going to be amazing because I know everything that’s gone on in my life, the sacrifices I’ve made and the stresses I’ve put on my body and my mind. It’s all going to be worth it.

I think it’s going to be a hell of a story about a kid who was retired from wrestling two years ago and was put in the right environment with the right people and the right support system. When you have that, you can accomplish anything you want no matter the tragedies and setbacks you’ve dealt with.

I write that thought down every day in my journal along with my daily priorities: “Diet, discipline, tough, stingy, faith, be you, have fun, go win the day.” Before going to bed I look at that to-do list and ask myself if I addressed each one to glorify God.

I believe the best moment of my life is at hand. I won’t take it for granted. 

Did you enjoy reading this? Read more My Words stories from the Badgers here.