My Words: The face in the mirror finally looks happy

Please be aware that this article mentions thoughts of suicide. Mental health crisis resources are available by calling the UW-Madison 24-hour mental health crisis number at (608) 265-5600 (option 9), or by texting “Steve” to 741741 (the Steve Fund is a crisis resource for BIPOC students and student-athletes).

When I stand in front of a mirror these days, I like the person staring back at me. That wasn’t always the case.

For the longest time I didn’t know who I was. I felt guilty and angry. I felt alone and unloved. I felt that I was totally to blame for all the painful things that had happened to me in my life.

If I hadn’t found the incredible woman I’m going to marry and if I hadn’t crossed paths with my therapist, I believe I’d be dead. That’s the God’s honest truth. More than once I had a handful of pills and was thinking about taking them all. Once I was driving home and caught myself fighting the urge to jerk the wheel so I would crash on purpose.

Those days are gone. I now know who I am. The image in the mirror belongs to someone who has spent his whole life trying to find ways to overcome the odds. He finally looks happy.

I was born premature at 26 weeks and spent two months in the hospital before I went home hooked up to a ventilator. I had a collapsed lung and brain bleeds. Doctors told my parents that I would probably die as an infant. If not, I would grow up unable to walk or talk.

I’ve had people tell me I’m a miracle because kids born the way I was born don’t get very far.

I will think about my journey Saturday when I graduate from the University of Wisconsin and again this summer when I start grad school and begin working on my Master’s degree.

I will think about it in August when I begin my final season with the UW football team and again when I take my shot at playing in the NFL as a 6-foot-4, 295-pound defensive end. 

I will think about the kids who bullied me for going to class in the quote, unquote “special kids’ room.”

I will think about growing up in a rundown neighborhood in Columbus, Ohio, with a mostly absent father and the burden of being the man of the house for my mom and younger brother.

I never thought I’d make it this far when I signed my Letter of Intent to play for the Badgers. I took football and my academics very seriously in high school, but having an opportunity to go to grad school and get a Master’s degree from a place like Wisconsin? That’s a thought that didn’t cross my mind when I first got to Madison in 2018.

My college career didn’t start out very well. I showed up for my first preseason camp out of shape and lacking in confidence. The first couple months were very hard. Coaches that were nice guys when they recruited me weren’t very nice when I got here. But I learned how to be coached. I learned how to be more patient. It made me a better person.

I redshirted as a freshman and didn’t play as much as I wanted to the next two seasons. My favorite year was 2021. I got to be a starter and was actually having fun. I showed the coaches that they could trust me. It was an awesome season for me mainly because I spent so much time with two great teammates, Matt Henningsen and Bryson Williams. We became close friends.

Last year was the worst time of my life, both on the field and off it. The coaching changes – from Coach Chryst to Coach Leonhard to Coach Fickell – were stressful for everybody. The new staff came in and did a great job understanding what we were going through and being respectful to the players and former coaches. But it was still a lot to process. The fact I played in only seven games because of a knee injury was another issue in a challenging season.

Through it all, I don’t know what I would have done without my fiancé, Brianna Beilfuss. She was there for me at my lowest. She was my backbone. She knows what it was like for me growing up. I felt everything was my fault. I felt guilty for everything even if I didn’t do anything. I kept a lot of emotions bottled up inside me, especially anger.

Brianna knew better. She told me, “It’s not your fault. You’re not your dad.” When she said that, it was the best thing I’ve ever heard. It flipped on a switch for me to get help.

My therapist, Bjorn Hanson, has done more for me than he’ll ever know. He’s a good dude. He made me realize that stuff that happened in my childhood is a ripple effect to how I see myself now. He’s tried to help me unpack all of that and feel better about myself.

What stopped me from harming myself are my fiancé and my brother. I didn’t want Brianna to have to carry the guilt of thinking she could have done something or should have done something. I didn’t want Manny growing up without me, especially now that he’s here with me on the team. I’m very proud of him and all that we’ve been through.

Sometimes you feel like there’s no hope.

I’ve learned that there’s always hope.

You just have to be around people that care about you. Get help. See a therapist. It’s very beneficial. The key is you have to be serious about it and be willing to change.

One of the most important things to happen to me here at UW was getting to know Danielle Fletcher, a learning specialist assigned to the football team. She started here when I was a freshman and she’s been looking out for me ever since, always pushing me to be the best I can be. She’s amazing. It’s more than just a job to her. It’s a passion. I’ve been through a lot academically, but I got through it thanks to her.

I’ve come a long way, but I still have something to prove. That’s how I look at my life. When I get done with grad school I’m going to give the NFL a shot. My goal from there is to be a fireman. I like being on a team – the camaraderie, the support and the mission – and the thought of helping people is appealing to me.

Brianna and I are getting married next year and it will be the best day of my life.

Until now, I’ve never looked back to see how far I’ve come. It’s a process. I’m better now than I was a year ago… a lot better. I know that hard work pays off, but there’s more hard work to do.

One thing’s for certain: I can’t do it alone.

Did you enjoy reading this? Read more My Words stories from the Badgers here.