My Words: The best in me, is now for someone else

It was a Saturday morning around 6 a.m. and I was taking my dog for our usual walk when my phone rang. I saw the 313 Detroit area code, but didn’t recognize the number, so I didn’t answer.

I almost always leave my cell back at the house when we walk because I like to use the time for reflection. I thought about that when the calls kept coming.

I finally stopped and answered. I heard the voice of a distraught woman giving me news that left me almost unable to speak. When the conversation ended, I stood there on the sidewalk and immediately began to pray.

This is how I learned that Howard Moore — my brother, my protector, my conscience, my guide, my family since I was 13 — was in a terrible place.

The woman on the phone told me that Howard, his wife Jennifer, daughter Jaidyn and son Jerell had been in an awful car accident near Ann Arbor, Michigan. The caller, Jen’s best friend Erica, said Jen and Jaidyn had been killed and that Howard, the assistant coach for the Wisconsin men’s basketball team, and Jerell were in the hospital after their car was hit head-on by a drunken driver going the wrong way on the interstate.

When I got back to the house, I contacted Erica again to try and get more information. Then I began making calls to friends and family, starting with UW athletic director Barry Alvarez and men’s basketball coach Greg Gard and working from there.

That day, May 25, 2019, remains the most difficult day of my life. Little did I know that another devastating moment involving my friend and former UW teammate — one that would test the strength of my faith in God — was not far off.

After reaching out to people closest to Howard and his family, I made plans to travel to Michigan to see him and Jerell in the hospital. It was so painful and emotional. I stayed a few days before coming home. Before I left, Howard told me he’d be OK and he’d see me when he got back.

Not long after the accident, Howard and I were sitting and talking with Matt Metzger, our friend and the senior pastor from Blackhawk Church. At one point, Howard asked a difficult, unanswerable question: Why does God allow bad things to happen to good people? I didn’t have an answer. All I could do was listen… to be there for him.

Father Matt picked up his phone and began to read from the Book of Job. The passage was about a righteous man, Job, who faithfully endured difficulties in his life even though they seemed unfair. At one point, God asked Satan for his opinion on Job’s piety and Satan accused Job of being pious only because God had blessed Job with material wealth. God gave Satan permission to take Job’s wealth and kill his children, but Job praised God nonetheless.

Howard had lost two wonderful, loving people from his life. He and his son were carrying huge burdens of grief. There was also the matter of the young lady, driving the wrong way, who was probably going through something herself when she was killed that night.

One day I got a call from Stan Van Gundy, who coached Howard and me at Wisconsin before moving on to the NBA. During our talk he suggested I reach out to Monte Williams, a former NBA player and coach who’d lost his wife, the mother of their five children, in a similar car accident. I did as he suggested.

“The next time you’re in Howard’s presence,” Williams told me, “give me a call.”  He and Howard wound up talking privately for two hours. In that moment that was the best thing I could do for Howard, to connect him with someone who knows exactly how it feels.

A month later, on June 25, I got another unexpected call that changed my life. I’d just left the house after having coffee with Howard. We’d talked about the day ahead and what we were going to have for dinner. I was driving a couple minutes from the house when his mom called in a panic. I got back to find an ambulance parked outside with Howard already in the back. I followed the ambulance to UW Hospital, my heart beating 100 mph.

The doctors told us that Howard had suffered a cardiac event stemming from the injuries he’d received in the accident. A bad situation had gotten much worse. Once again, it didn’t seem fair.

I don’t question God. I have faith that one day Howard’s going to tell this story from his perspective. He’ll be able to thank everybody who’s helped him and his family through these difficult times.

Howard’s getting better every day. He’s putting in the work to get back on his feet. He’s working hard … because that’s the only way he knows. Everything’s going in the right direction and that’s all you can ask for.

I’ve known Howard since we grew up together in Chicago. He was a senior at Taft High School on the north side and I was a freshman at King High School on the south side. Mike Finley and Tracy Webster were his buds and they all wound up being recruited to Wisconsin by Steve Yoder. Howard was my campus escort when I visited Madison. He was a major reason why I decided to play for the Badgers.

I’m not who I am without Howard in my life. From the very beginning, he kept me in line. That was the case during my two seasons at UW. It continued after I turned pro and played overseas. He was always there to have my back and give me love – sometimes it was tough love – because that’s who he is. It was like that from Day One. His whole family is like that.

Let me tell you a story that’s special to me. After I turned pro, I promised my late mother, Elaine, that I would get my degree once my playing days were done. After I retired in 2009, Howard kept after me to finish what I started at UW. I finally enrolled in 2017, but not before Jen – who was like a sister to me – called with an offer for me to move from Chicago and live at their home in Middleton.

“I’m going to take a couple things off your plate,” she said. “You have a place to stay. You can stay with us. I’m going to come and get you.”

I’ve been there ever since, doing what I can to help Howard, his parents, Howard Sr. and Trennis and, of course, Jerell. After I got my degree in Community and Non-Profit Leadership, Howard’s parents stood with me during a halftime ceremony at the Kohl Center. It was hard not to cry.

For me, every day revolves around Howard. I wake up and immediately make sure that he’s being taken care of. Mom tells me what kind of appointments he has, whether it’s at the house or if he has to go out. I base my schedule around that. I also get Jerell, now a senior at Middleton High School, to his practices, do whatever Mom and Pops need me to do, then I take care of me.

I’ve been in Jerell’s life since he was a baby. He’s a great kid. He’s a typical 17-year-old trying to figure things out. He’s going places. He’s going to do wonderful things. His goal is to make his family proud. I think he’s been taking it in stride, doing well. He’s still having to deal with a lot. This is something you have to live with. It’s not something you get over.

Jerell isn’t the only teenager in my life. I’m in my second season coaching the girls’ basketball team at Middleton High School. It’s definitely grown on me. My girls have grown on me. I don’t know what I’d do without them.

Someone asked me if I’ve grieved. It’s hard to even think about it. I see Howard every day. I don’t have time to break down and grieve like I was in the beginning. I’ve had to accept that I’m not going to see Jen and Jaidyn walk through that door. It’s always going to be hard. When people have been a big part of your life for so long, it’s hard to move on.

I wouldn’t say this experience has changed me. What it did was bring out another side of me that I knew was there, but I never had to tap into it. A caretaker. A nurturer. I saw a void that needed to be filled and I filled it. No questions asked. It became part of my routine.

I made a promise to Howard and I made a promise to God that I was going to see my brother back on his feet. Anything I can do that’s in my power, I’ll do it.

This experience changed me in terms of appreciating the moments that we have together, the people in our lives. A tragedy like that puts things in perspective. You can be here one second and gone the next. I’m thankful that God blessed me with the strength to be able to do this task that he’s asked me to do.

You don’t question God. He put me in this moment for a reason.

I’ve got people I can lean on if I need to, but the main person I lean on is God. If I’m stuck or lost, I pick up the Bible my mom gave me, the one with passages that she highlighted.

God brought me this far and He’s strengthened me every day to deal with the stuff that I’ve had to deal with on a daily basis. He hasn’t let me down.

Why do I care so much about Howard Moore? Because he’s family. His family is my family. We’ve looked out for one another since we first met. That’s who I am.

I don’t consider this to be a burden. God has gifted me and blessed me to where I can do these things for my friend. It’s a lot of responsibility, but I’m built for it.

There’s no doubt, Howard would do the same.

Did you enjoy reading this? Read more My Words stories from the Badgers here.