My Words: There is light, I am proof

If you or someone you know is dealing with suicidal thoughts, call the UW-Madison 24-hour mental health crisis number at (608) 265-5600 (option 9), or call / text the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988. 

To request an appointment with an Athletics Mental Health & Sport Psychology provider, send an email to: SportPsychology@athletics.wisc.edu

I still get choked up whenever I think back to that time in my life. I wasn’t in a good place mentally or emotionally.

I was a 20-year-old sophomore center for the Wisconsin men’s basketball team in 2005 and I had problems. Things were building – important things that I’d ignored for weeks and months – and, all of a sudden, I was confronted by consequences that I wasn’t prepared to handle.

I’d ignored my school work to the point that I was going to be academically ineligible for the spring semester, but I didn’t have the nerve to tell anyone – not my parents, coaches, teammates or friends – about my circumstances. I didn’t know it at the time but I was dealing with a form of depression. I thought I was alone, struggling under the weight of peer pressure and failed expectations. I didn’t know what to do or how to go about dealing with my situation. There were times I wanted to give up and it wasn’t just basketball. I had some dark moments in there.

It was around 3 a.m. on a fall morning – the TV was on and I hadn’t slept – when I answered a knock at my apartment door. It was the man who changed my life forever.

Henry Perez-Guerra was more than just our athletic trainer with the Badgers. He was an astute, caring, thoughtful man who had been around the UW basketball program for the better part of 20 years. He initially came to check on me because he thought I’d simply had a bad day. I remember thinking, “If he only knew.”

Henry and I wound up spending the next three or so hours together. He sensed my pain even when I did my best not to show it. He listened, but didn’t judge me. He didn’t believe me when I lied and insisted that I was fine. He pushed back in the best way possible. By the time Henry left, we’d both shed some tears and he’d helped me believe there was light at the end of the tunnel. He helped me find a therapist, who diagnosed my depression.

I was always afraid of the consequences – What’s this going to look like? Was I going to be labeled this or that? – but I knew I didn’t want to be labeled as a quitter. I felt a lot better after coming clean with my parents and my head coach, Bo Ryan.

My teammates then and even now are some of my greatest friends. The camaraderie and the love they showed me after my academic mistake was huge. I’d let them all down. I didn’t take care of my school stuff, so basketball was taken away from me. I was academically ineligible for the second semester.

That was the biggest consequence of my life up to that point. I didn’t take care of what needed to be done and it gave me some perspective and made a difference in the type of person I’ve become. I made mistakes after that – tons of them – but I never let myself get back to that point again.

When you go through something like that, willingly or not, you’re going to be a different person. Once in a while a fan familiar with my situation will reach out to say, “I appreciate your message in college.” It reminds me how common mental illness is. And, unfortunately, it still is. It also reminds me that there’s a solution. If there’s something wrong, it’s OK to get it taken care of. If your mind isn’t right, it’s OK to get some help. I’m forever grateful for the help I had getting through it.

Community has been such a big part of my life. It goes back to this small-town thing – my hometown of Randolph has a population of around 1,200 – knowing there’s an entire community supporting me through thick and thin has helped me, just knowing in the back of my head that people are supporting me and I’m challenged to have a positive impact and not let those people down. I try to uplift that community when I can. I know I represent more than myself.

At the top of that list is my extraordinary wife, Emily, and the mother to our three children, daughters, Eastyn and Elize, and son, Richie. Emily never wavered in the face of sorrow and challenges. We buried my dad, Rick, five days before our wedding after a 5-year battle with cancer, but she helped make it all work. Her philosophy: Trust in God that he has a plan for us.

What if Henry hadn’t shown up at my door? I really don’t know. I don’t like to think about it a whole lot. I thought about walking away from UW and basketball. I thought about doing something else. I never was a big fan of school. I thought about joining some of my buddies and working somewhere. I would have been the giant guy swinging a hammer and people would say, “You should be playing basketball somewhere.’’ I had some buddies working in factories back home in Randolph. I could have been an electrician or a plumber. It’s hard to say.

Turns out my future was all about basketball, not only playing it and learning it – four seasons in the NBA and two more overseas in Turkey and Korea – but teaching it as well. I’m back in Madison at the Kohl Center, where I’ve been given an opportunity to work with some of my closest friends and be a part of the Badgers culture as the director of player development. It’s been everything that I hoped it would be.

Joe Krabbenhoft, a former UW teammate, is one of my best friends. Sharif Chambliss, another Wisconsin assistant, was a senior when I was a freshman. Of course, Coach Gard was an assistant back in the early 2000s who came to watch me play high-school ball before I even had my driver’s license.

I like to think I have a lot to share with today’s student-athletes having spent time with Naismith Hall of Fame coaches like Gregg Popovich and players like Ray Allen, Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce. “Pop”, the winningest coach in NBA history, was big into motivating and caring about people. Garnett once showed me the difference 4 inches can make in the position of your feet. I watched how Pierce and Allen were consistently working on the small details of their games.

I can share stories about charter flights, five-star hotels and showing up for NBA games with three new pairs of shoes and a clean uniform folded neatly in my cubicle. But I can also speak about the other side... sitting on a dingy bus in Turkey while our driver stops for a cigarette and a cup of tea. Or helping our NBA equipment guys unload gym bags at 2:30 in the morning.

I’m grateful for all of my experiences and position I’m in now.

Thanks, Henry.