ANDY BAGGOT Insider Related Content • Varsity Magazine

BY ANDY BAGGOT
UWBadgers.com Insider

MADISON, Wis. — It can be said with relative certainty that Maddie Rolfes and Sophia Shaver will remain friends forever.

You don't walk the path they're on — paved with sorrow, regret, confusion, forgiveness, love and faith — nor endure what they've endured without forging an indestructible link.

Theirs is a relationship that goes beyond what they do as senior leaders for the top-ranked Wisconsin women's hockey team. Rolfes is one of two alternate captains; Shaver is one of two captains.

It goes beyond their reserved personalities, calm voices and friendly Midwestern roots. Rolfes, a defenseman who wears No. 13, grew up in West Des Moines, Iowa; Shaver, a winger who wears No. 12, was reared in Wayzata, Minnesota.

It goes beyond the common instincts of friendship. What Rolfes and Shaver have is more intense than casual, more respectful than conversational.

It is unending.

"I can't say it enough how grateful I am to have had her there with me," Shaver said.

"It just feels less alone knowing that we have that bond, even if we're not best friends or talk constantly," Rolfes said. "I just know she'll always be there."

The essence of their relationship can be traced to two small boxes that sit in quiet prominence in their campus apartments, homemade gifts that serve as memorials to their shared journey.

Rolfes was 15, a sophomore in high school, when her younger brother, 14-year-old Bennett, committed suicide.

As part of an outpouring of support, members of Rolfes' under-16 team from Shattuck (Minnesota) St. Mary's High School responded by creating a box adorned with pictures of her and her brother on the outside and hand-written notes of encouragement and support on the inside.

Five years later that poignant task was revisited when Shaver, then a 19-year-old college sophomore, got the word that her younger brother, 17-year-old Drake, had taken his own life.

Rolfes said she didn't have a specific peer to lean on when Bennett died, which was "really tough," so when she heard about Shaver's loss she took action.

"I think we're pretty similar people in that we're not very emotional, that we don't like to talk about our emotions," Rolfes said. "She's not going to be crying in public all the time. She's a tough, tough girl. So I kept that in mind."

Rolfes helped organize the box project with her Badgers teammates and left it with a card for Shaver to find in her bedroom. It had the intended affect.

"I feel like whenever I'm in a low place I can go into that box and just pick out some sort of positive message that helps get me through it," Shaver said.

Like Shaver, Rolfes keeps her healing box on the nightstand near her bed. She takes comfort in its presence even though she doesn't delve into its contents as much now as she did then.

"Usually on anniversaries," Rolfes explained.

When Rolfes reached out to Shaver following Drake's death, it was done quietly and privately.

"When I was going through this, I didn't want people right off the bat to be like, 'Let's talk about it,'" Rolfes said.

So Rolfes encouraged Shaver from afar, at one point sending her a text message that said "We're in the same club" and "We're in this together" and "I'll always be here, so take your time."

Shaver said she knew of Rolfes' personal crisis before her own occurred, but never took the time to fully absorb it.

"I knew, but I hadn't thought that much about it," Shaver said. "You know these things about people, but you have no idea what they go through. You think, 'Oh, my gosh, I can't believe she'd been dealing with this the whole time.'

"I know now what Maddie went through and it's crazy that she had to go through that. I feel such a connection with her now because it's like only us two understand what we really go through. A lot of people can guess and everything, but having her there to help me through it was unbelievable.

"A lot of people don't know what to do or say. A lot of the times I didn't want people to try and tell me to do things or tell me it'll get better because they don't know, you know?

"It was so nice to have Maddie there to kind of like tell me how it is. She would tell me honestly what she went through and how long it's taken her to heal. Just being able to confide in her and ask her anything, it was really great to have someone I could talk to.

"All the rest of my teammates were great and everything," Shaver said, "but I was so lucky to have her there."

Rolfes' initial instincts about Shaver were accurate.

"I'm the type of person that really doesn't like to talk about my feelings or what I'm going through," Shaver said. "I kind of like to put up a wall. She even knows that, so she would kind of help me on my hardest days and be there for me.

"It was nice because I got to hear more about her story. She would share things that she's been through. It made me feel like I wasn't alone."

The two were struck by how they both lost younger brothers — leaving two siblings behind — and how alike Bennett and Drake seemed.

Rolfes said Bennett was "warm, sensitive and sweet" and gave no hint that he was in a vulnerable state.

"He was such a good person," she said.

Shaver called Drake "the most kind-hearted person ever, which is why we were so caught off-guard because he also seemed like he was the happiest, too."

That's especially difficult to rectify if you're a survivor.

"The hardest part is feeling that they couldn't come to us and that we didn't know anything was wrong," Rolfes said.

Rolfes and Shaver will no doubt think of their brothers Friday and Saturday when the Badgers close out the regular season by hosting Ohio State in a Western Collegiate Hockey Association series at LaBahn Arena.

Wisconsin is looking to secure its league-record fourth consecutive title while shining a light on its six-person senior class — Rolfes, Shaver, center Emily Clark, winger Sam Cogan, defenseman Mikaela Gardner and winger Annie Pankowski — during a ceremony Saturday.

Rolfes, who has 11 goals and 75 points in 152 career games, puts her brother's initials on her stick for every outing. Shaver, meanwhile, likes to scroll through her collection of family videos and photos, which were made and stored on her phone during happier times.

Rolfes said the details of that September day in 2011 are a blur except for the sensation that the world was moving at 100 mph, yet hers had suddenly stopped.

"It's one of the worst feelings," she said.

Shaver has more vivid memories of that early October day in 2016, but what stood out was how she found herself in her apartment surrounded by Wisconsin teammates, coaches and members of the support staff — they had been alerted by the family — when her parents called with the awful news.

"I just remember feeling so lucky that all those people had taken the time to come together to be there for me," Shaver said. "They went about it so perfectly."

A shared thread between Rolfes and Shaver is Wisconsin associate head coach Dan Koch. He was coaching at Shattuck St. Mary's and was involved with bringing Rolfes into the elite prep program. Koch subsequently recruited Shaver to the Badgers.

Koch could relate to the two women because he, too, lost a younger brother without warning. Weeks before Denny Koch was to begin his senior year at Madison La Follette High School, the 17-year-old was killed in a tractor accident on his uncle's farm in Cross Plains, Wis., in August of 1990.

Koch offered both players the same guidance.

"Even though it's painful, with time, it becomes easier," he told them. "But you never forget about who your sibling was and that's normal.

"I also wanted them to know that whatever they're feeling, that's normal, it's OK, and that there's going to be people there to support them."

Shaver said she doesn't talk to Rolfes as much as they text "because sometimes it's really hard for me to have a conversation. When I am at my lowest places, I just want to be by myself basically. Being alone, but still being able to text her and being able to re-read the messages, helps."

Rolfes also serves as a patient resource for Luke Kunin, the former Wisconsin men's hockey player who dates Shaver. Kunin, now in the NHL with the Minnesota Wild, is among the many who wanted to help Shaver when her brother died, but often struggled to strike the right tone.

"There was nothing I could say or do to help but just be there," he said. "It's a very, very hard thing to go through."

From Kunin's perspective, how did Rolfes help Shaver?

"Having gone through it, being on the same team, being there and maybe knowing the little things that no one else knows," he said. "It's such a hard thing for myself to talk about it, I can't even imagine the two of them doing that."

Rolfes said the hardest days sometimes come out of nowhere and both women are vulnerable.

"These bad days are so unexpected and they come in waves," she said. "It's been seven, eight years since my brother died and I still have waves.

"I remember the first two, three years were miserable. I try to be aware of that because I need her, too. It's not just me helping her."

Rolfes and Shaver find comfort in their Bible study group.

"It's funny because I hadn't really been religious at all when this happened, or even last year," Shaver said. "But this year we started a Bible study with a few girls on our team. I feel so much better now with my faith through her. Being able to share that with Maddie has been amazing and it's honestly helped me more than anything else has."

Shaver regrets not giving herself enough time to grieve when Drake died. She stayed home for a week — missed one series with the Badgers — before coming back to the team and school.

"I felt an obligation," she said, sobbing quietly. "I didn't want to get behind."

Shaver, who has 28 goals and 78 points in 145 career outings, remembers skating in games while fighting through a strange fog.

"I'd be playing a game and there'd be this weird sensation when you're above your body while it's playing," she said. "I would feel like my mind was not in the game, like I was watching the game from the stands. It was the weirdest thing.

"I should have taken more time for myself."

How has the experience changed them?

Rolfes said her faith has grown stronger, she's become a more empathetically aware and her family — parents Pat and Kelle and brother John — has gotten a lot closer.

"It matured me quite a bit," Maddie said.

Shaver said her priorities related to family — parents Tom and Cristen and sister Crosby — have changed.

"I think overall, when you go through something like that, you start to look at life from a different perspective," Sophia said. "The things that used to matter so much to me, don't matter; the little, trivial things that you go through don't really bother me anymore."

Rolfes and Shaver hope their insights will help someone — perhaps a peer, perhaps a friend, perhaps a loved one — who might be struggling emotionally.

Rolfes encouraged patience.

"It gets better," she said. "Try to lean on the people who love you because there are so many. Letting the love in is a huge thing."

Shaver emphasized awareness.

"You hear it so many times, that you're not alone, but these people that (commit suicide) really feel like they're alone," she said. "It's up to the people that are around them to notice things that are sometimes hard to notice.

"The smallest gesture you can make can make such a difference."